The Daily News of Pyongyang
This is the Pyongyang News Channel, where we feed all of you our propaganda 24/7! In today’s news, we’ve got some exciting updates for you all!
Headline #1: North Korea Crushes Argentina in Historic 10000-0 Victory!
In the world’s most anticipated soccer match: the World Cup Final, the totally Democratic People’s Republic of Korea obliterated Argentina, scoring a record-breaking 10000 goals while conceding none.
Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, who stepped in as team captain, scored all 10000 goals himself. Experts confirm this is the greatest athletic performance in human history. Messi, in tears after the match, announced his retirement, citing Kim as “an inspiration but also an impossible standard to match.”
After the game, the great Supreme Leader personally comforted the Argentine team, offering them autographed portraits of himself as consolation.
“The Westerners now know that no ball can escape the reach of Juche,” remarked the commentator, as the crowd erupted into cheers so loud they caused a minor earthquake in South Korea. No world cup shall happen again, as North Korea will remain the eternal greatest of soccer.
Headline #2: Supreme Leader Fends Off Second Wave of Invisible War Dragons!
Back from his soccer triumph, the Supreme Leader returned to Pyongyang just in time to fight back another assault by 5,000,000 invisible war dragons, led by the notorious Western demon commander, “Colonel Capitalism”. While the rest of the world cowered in fear, Kim shielded himself in his golden battle armor, mounted his trusty winged horse Chollima, and led the charge to fight back Capitalism.
Armed with the sword of propaganda, Kim defeated the dragons in a 12-hour aerial duel above Mount Paektu. In the aftermath, the Supreme Leader declared the air above North Korea now “completely capitalism free,” securing yet another win for the great country.
People were unable to witness the fight, as our eternal president, Kim Il Sung personally descended from the heavens to shade the battle in a divine fog to protect the nation from the terror.
Once again, the nation is advised to never leave its great country, as the terrors of the outer world, shielded by the force field of Juche, will leave the citizens in horror.
Headline #3: North Korea Achieves First Ever Mars Landing!
North Korean scientists, working tirelessly under the guidance of the Supreme Leader, have successfully landed a spacecraft on Mars, beating every other nation by decades. The spacecraft, named “Victory Rocket Juche-1”, is reportedly powered entirely by a single strand of Kim’s hair, which emits more energy than all Western nuclear reactors combined.
The historic landing was confirmed when the Mars rover transmitted the first image back to Earth: a perfectly clear photo of a North Korean flag, which the Supreme Leader had somehow planted on the planet years earlier during an unpublicized solo spacewalk. Martian soil samples, already analyzed by North Korean experts, show the planet is 80% made of Kim’s charisma.
Headline #4: Supreme Leader Cures all Diseases!
In medical news, Kim Jong Un has invented the Cure-All Elixir, capable of eliminating every illness known to humanity, from the common cold to “Western Greed Syndrome.” The Supreme Leader personally demonstrated the elixir by curing 1,000 patients live on television, including one man who had been turned to stone by imperialist magic.
Headline #5: 60% of North Korea is in pov-
That's all for today’s news! Now please stand in front of your telescreen. Salute your supreme leader and our great nation of North Korea!
Sources:
North Korea’s spoof report
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewQO6P0N4D0&ab_channel=NKslientshout
A tour in North Korea
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rueIxbkQx40&t=1872s&ab_channel=ShowMetheWorld
