Spotlight on Christmas

(The scene opens up on a wide shot. God lays on a sofa sideways like a mermaid. The sun is basking down on his face and fluffy white clouds are all around him. Jesus sits on his own side of the sofa going through Godstagram)

God yawns.

Distant Christmas music fades in.

(The camera travels below several layers of cloud onto the mortal city of New York. A clock shows up on the screen that reads: December 31st 9:10 pm. The camera pans downwards onto West 34th Street, where people blast Christmas music from loudspeakers. The view swoops forward to where Macy’s is situated. Large signs placed out front advertise Salvation Army donations. Volunteers in Santa costumes ring bells for attention.)

God: (snorts) What's all that noise down there? (puts a spyglass to his eye and peers down) Hmmmmm (checks his calendar and jumps up cheering) They’re celebrating your birthday, son! 

Jesus: ( looks up and rolls his eyes.) Dad, stop acting like a child.

(God tap dances around his sofa and occasionally jumps onto it, imitating an eagle)

God (V.O.):  Listen to all the jolly down there, the chimes and the festivals! It seems like humanity’s selfishness has not taken over yet! For remembering your birthday this year, I think I’ll grace them with my godly presence!

Jesus: (without looking up) You do you. Whatever. Just leave. 

(Hurriedly putting on a coat, God soon finds himself on West 34th Street disguised as a middle-aged man. He closes his eyes, breathing in the sweet, crispy winter air and the smell of gingerbread. Someone disrupts his reverie by bumping into him.)

Woman: (heavily panting) Terribly sorry, sir! 

(God turns around to find a woman with two kids by her side. She is holding a pile of goods that is higher than her head. God nods and the woman hurries over to her car. God then takes another look around him to see parents hurrying in and out of stores with huge bags slung over their shoulders. The kids yell and shout at new toys in the window of shops. It’s a lot of “I want!” and “Gimme!” The camera then zooms in on images that adorn the street of a rotund man with a white, bushy beard wearing a preposterous red suit. After a moment of quiet contemplation in the middle of this chaos, God dials Jesus.)

Jesus (V.O.). Whattttt Dad?

God: Son, you won't believe this. I came here on Earth to celebrate with these people, but no one is actually celebrating you for YOUR BIRTHDAY. I keep seeing people refer to this Santa man as the spirit of CHRISTMAS. HIM? SON, YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING!

Jesus (V.O.): Ew Dad. That’s so hard to deal with. Just let this guy take the job. Makes things easier for us. Quit fooling around on Earth. You’re embarrassing.

God: I made you so that these Earthlings could quit fooling around and avoid sinning, but look at them. Now they’ve gone so far as to turn your birthday into the embodiment of greed and gluttony!! 2 of the 7, son! People also keep playing weird music - about Rudolph? About Grandma and a reindeer? It’s madness. I’m disappointed!

Jesus (V.O.): Let them have their fun. I don’t care. (hangs up)

God: ARGH! (kicks a Santa statue and it breaks.)

(Just as God does this, a police officer driving by stops.)

Police: Sir. It is a crime to destroy public property. And on Christmas Eve! Could you be any worse? Place your hands behind your back. We need to bring you in. (He gets out of his car and tries handcuffing God.)

God: What are you DOING? I’m GOD! How dare a mere mortal try to trap me within these tiny metal contraptions! This is unacceptable, you ungrateful mortal.

Police: (speaks into his microphone) I need backup; got a maniac on my hands. (Turns to God) Sir. Stay here.

(God mumbles incoherently, and after seeing the policeman return to his car for a pen and a pad. He vanishes and returns to heaven. The police officer is left on the sidewalk scratching his head.)

(The camera travels back up to the fluffy white heaven where Jesus hasn’t moved from his spot on the sofa.)

God: SON! You WON’T believe this. As if things couldn’t get any worse, those ungrateful people tried to arrest me! ME!!! Their deity. It was outrageous. They have no memory of me or of you, their savior. You know what this means…

Jesus: (looking up and for the first time making eye contact with God) No.

God: Yes.

Jesus: No. I won’t do it. I already did it. It didn’t work. I am not sacrificing myself for people who don’t care. 

(God throws himself down on the sofa and looks directly into the camera.)



God: Fine. I give up. Let their SANTA save them now.