I’ve been scraping off my nail polish with my teeth. When my fingers aren’t pressed firm against my lips, the nails dragging harsh against my yellow and crooked incisors, my hands shake. I always look like I’m shivering. Maybe I am. 

Lately I feel hunger pains - something gnawing deep in my gut, but I can’t bring myself to eat. So I chew at the polish until my nails are bloodied and bare. 

I’ve knelt in the shower every day for the last month. I always start out standing but everything is so heavy and I’ve felt so weak lately. I feel so weak and I know I have to save the little strength I have left for the rest of the day. To walk, to talk, to perform the daily task of convincing those around me I am a real person. 

The water pelts my back as I lean forward until my forehead is pressed to the base of the tub. The position, I know, is one of prayer though the state I am in is one entirely profane. I let the stream scald my skin and burn me clean. It’s the only way I can make it through the rest of the day. To walk and talk and perform the daily task of convincing myself I am a real person.